The struggle within

I’ve been struggling for a long time to find words. Perhaps you’ll forgive me if I borrow the words of the diminutive ginger fellow Ed Sheeran

I’m thinking ’bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it’s all part of a plan
I’ll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you’ll understand



Happy New Year to you. I die a little every day we’re not together 🖤🥀


Merry Christmas to you. I miss you and love you more than you will ever know or my words could ever fully express🖤🥀

I’m with stupid

Can’t believe December has arrived already! It’s been a strange sort of year it has to be said. For most of the year I can say this was the best year of my life. I’ve honestly never known happiness like it. The wheels kinda came off things in October though. Then a fortnight ago it really got worse.

After a particularly heavy booze binge I found myself in hospital with alcohol poisoning and a blood alcohol level which the doctor described as usually lethal. The frightening fact was that for a brief time I did stop breathing. There was no bright lights or wonderous visions just nothing but me apparently mumbling the same name over and over as I slipped out of consciousness. All in all a pretty damn ignominious way to round out the year. I’m happy to say though I’ve been lucky and there seems to be no damage done other than to my pride.

I suppose my stupidity just goes to remind me that no matter how bad things look it can certainly always be worse. Not to mention the fact that I’m not as young as I used to be and really have to be more careful. Lesson painfully learned. So just remember, life is fleeting. Hold the one you love tight and don’t ever let them go. Be kind to each other but perhaps more importantly, be kind to yourself.

I hope the festive season brings y’all all you desire.

When love and hate collide

Pushing, pulling

Running away

Yet arms always open on return

And the mess when the same thing happens

When I should have acted differently

Bringing doubts of old

Demons of the past

Long since slaughtered

And deep down knowing

Could never again exist

Things that look beyond repair

Are always fixable

And the invisible thread stretches

But despite everything refuses to break

The things that can never be deleted

From the heart and soul

Afraid to feel more pain

Yet enduring it daily

Because some pain never fades with time

Despite what we tell ourselves

When sleep is no longer an escape

And the face and scent still present in the night

And the inability to quit fighting

For the only thing worth fighting for

No lies, no web of deceit

Just imperfect thoughts and actions

The corrosion, the toxicity

Of self doubt and insecurity

The sense of misunderstanding and loss

And dreams not yet fulfilled

Even when hovering between

Here and beyond

My last breath

Used to say your name

Perfectly imperfect

At that point where failures hurts more

And the safety net breaks temporarily

The few outweigh the many

And nothing makes sense anymore

Love should be enough

But mistakes hurt

Without them

It’s perfect

Wishing every ten minutes

Could last a lifetime
And love
Conquers all


A picture painted in words and music

No photograph required

All the things

He’s no longer able to say again

Still counting sleeps in his mind

To convince himself he’s fine

The thing that will never fade

His heart’s only desire

No matter what time passes

He writes the songs

That no one else will hear